Out-of-Towners You’ll Want to Know
“In Indiana, we don’t have an official state religion, but if we did, it would be basketball.”
- Evan Bayh, former Governor of Indiana
Although these people do not live in Caruthers Corners, they interact with or otherwise affect events in the tiny town. That’s why we don’t want to ignore them. You’ll meet them in the Quilters Club stories.
• Margaret “Margie” Yost – Owner of Helen of Troy Spa and Beauty Salon. Used to date Buddy Flynn. Known for her constantly changing hair colors.
• Helen “Bitsy” Crenshaw – Margie Yost’s younger sister. Married to Burpyville’s Police Chief. Estranged from her family.
• Lee Ann Gorsky – One of Margie’s hairdressers.
• Larry Bird – Legendary basketball player born in West Baden, Indiana. NBA Champion (1981, 1984, 1986), NBA MVP (1984–1986), All-Star (1980–1988, 1990–1992), NBA Finals MVP (1984, 1986), etc.
• Shawn Kemp – Legendary basketball player born in Elkhart, Indiana. A six-time NBA All-Star and a three-time All-NBA Second Team member.
• Glenn Robinson – Legendary basketball player born in Gary, Indiana.
• Holly Lazynski Eberhard – The State’s two-time Quilting Bee champion.
• Mycroft Madison Jr. – Oldest son of Beau’s brother Mycroft. A stockbroker.
• Matthew Madison – Second son of Beau’s brother Mycroft. A lawyer.
• Jason Perricock – Capt. Perricock’s son. Manager of an Indianapolis department store. A sleazeball with an eye on his father’s wealth.
• Dietrich Tanenbaum – Chief of Security for an Indy department store. Jason Perricock’s righthand man.
• Hamilton Greenwald – Known as “Ham.” The current mayor of Burpyville. Although a married man, he sees Francine Jenkins on the side. Otherwise, he’s “honest enough for a politician.”
• Richard Humphrey – A quarry owner down in Pitsville. Tessie Baumgartner’s ex.
• Hadley Bonneville – Executive Director and Chief Auctioneer for the Art at Your Bidding website in Terre Haute.
• Madam Blatvia – A/K/A Ruby Blatstein. A professed mystic and fortune teller. A member of the United Congregation of the Spiritualist Church. Claims to have a spirit guide named Poncho.
• Johnny Bill Thompson – An insurance agent in Pitsville.
• Tammy Sue Thompson – Johnny Thompson’s wife, Suzy Q’s childhood friend.
• Dave Winterbottom – A noted architect out of Indianapolis. Studied under Fazlur Rahman Khan.
• Betty Binkweather – The spurned woman who had shot Rev. Dimples.
• Maj. Gen. Calvin LaRosa– Military man stationed at Grissom Air Reserve Base.
• Maury Seiderman – Founder of The Greater Midwest Occult Phenomena Association. A tall beanpole with purple eyes. A conspiracy theorist. A grifter.
• Harold Hillman – Promoter of tractor pulling competitions in Pitsville.
• John Kramer – Owner of Kramer’s Sewing Notions in Indianapolis.
• Martin Bettleman – Executive Director of the Forever Family Foundation. Now retired.
• Myrtle Hickensmith – Owner of Mama Leone’s Cheese-Stuffed Pizza Parlor. A criminal mastermind. Peewee’s older sister.
• Morris “Peewee” Hickensmith – A small-time Burpyville crook. Myrtle’s baby brother. Small in stature.
• Marvin “Moose” Johansson – Peewee’s partner in crime. A big bruiser.
• Mikhail Dmitriyevich Kuzmich – Mistakenly called “Michael.” Actually a Russian spy from Azerbaijani.
• “Big Jack” Tatum – Owner of Tatum’s Pontiac. A familiar face on late-night TV commercials.
• Eunice Smith-Cardwell – Executive Director of The Beasley Heritage Museum in Hobson’s Landing, Massachusetts. “An old charlatan.”
• Uncle Vö – N’yen’s uncle by blood. A successful restaurateur in Cleveland. Although Vietnamese by birth, he owns a very popular Thai restaurant called Thai U Up.
• Ralph Niedermayer – Board President of Burpyville Memorial. A slick fundraiser and gregarious glad-hander.
• Dr. Emanuel Gottlieb – The psychiatric resident in Burpyville Memorial’s Psych Ward. Treats Claude Crackleton.
• Dr. Felix Pettigrew – Head of Toxicology Department at Burpyville Memorial. Has been described as “a lecher” and a “Casanova in scrubs.”
• Dr. Horace Prepper – Joking referred to as Dr. Pepper” or “Pepper Upper.” A lethargic little man, he is Chief Radiologist at Burpyville Memorial.
• Dr. J. Hewitt Blatt – A neurologist from Dr. Kardashian’s practice.
• Dr. Irwin Michaelson – A staff doctor at Burpyville Memorial.
• Dr. Madhuk Kapoor – Specialist in Internal Medicine. Very experienced with radiation poisoning.
• Natalie Thackeray – A night nurse at Burpyville Memorial. Maddy’s favorite.
• Katherine Meany – A day nurse at Burpyville Memorial. Nicer than her name sounds.
• Ginny Neuenschwander – A flirty blonde Candy Striper at Burpyville Memorial.
• Dr. Virgil Hoffstedder – Chief of Burpyville Memorial’s lab division.
• Joe Turner – An orderly at Burpyville Memorial.
Plus the late Dr. Elmer Kardashian.
• Dr. Archimedes L. Claypool – A professor in the Astronomy Department at the University of Indiana Bloomington. Consultant on the Madison Meteorite.
• Dr. Crowley Radcliffe Bostwick – A full professor in Indiana University’s History Department. A forensic linguist, known for his analysis of historical idiolects. “Sickie,” to his students. Consultant on the newly discovered Jinks Manuscript.
• Dr. Ezra Pudhomme – A visiting professor of history at Indiana State University. Weighs in at 400 pounds. A specialist in runology.
• Roger Fitzwilliam, Ph.D., M.A.T., M.S. – A physicist in the Nuclear Theory Center at Indiana University.
• Joseph “Joe Fish” Alphonso – The capo de tutti capi who heads up the Chi-Town Outfit. A Man of Respect.
• Salvatore Milano – Boss of the Indianapolis Mob. Known as “Sal the Whisperer.”
• Horace Hammett Greeley – Known to his cohorts as “Horace the Hammer.” Low-level mob muscle in Burpyville. A flat nose, thick eyebrows, and steely-gray eyes give him a threatening look.
• Sam “Stickyfingers” Stickley – A pickpocket and police snitch.
• Mario Gastone DiMacchio – Known on the street as “High Test.” A numbers runner in Burpyville. Teddy DiMacchio’s uncle.
• Hoagie Henderson & His Hoosier All-Stars – A group that plays tributes to the bandleader’s namesake, Hoagie Carmichael.
• Snooky Smith and His Smooth Cruisers – A retro group that performs old R&B hits.
• The Straw Hatters – A local barbershop quartet.
• The Tommy Tucker Band – Their swing music is very danceable, popular with older audiences.
• Paul Whittaker and His Hoosier Hotshots – A local band that plays in the Town Square on summer nights.
• Herb Shriner – The Hoosier comedian who had a TV show called Two for the Money. With his Herb Shriner Harmonica Orchestra, he popularized such tunes as “Back Home Again in Indiana.”
• Wilson “Chilly Willy” LaMont – A small-time talent agent out of Indianapolis. Looks like Danny DeVito in Get Shorty. A wheeler-dealer.
• Lloyd Frankenheimer – Screenwriter of Three Weddings and a Funeral. A geeky guy from Toledo. His Uncle Simon is an orthodontist who invested in the movie.
• Barbara Jean Eckert – Bobby Black’s sister.
• Clive Henry – A high-minded Film Appreciation teacher, sometimes an indie director.
• Elton J. Bakersfield – A big-time Hollywood producer. A friend of movie star Handsome Hitch Richardson.
• Plus Martin Lorenzo Griffith– “Marty” to Aggie. Caruthers High Film Appreciation teacher, director of Three Weddings and a Funeral. (See Deceased.)
Hollywood Celebs and Such
• Robert De Niro – Actor in Raging Bull and Taxi Driver.
• Hugh Grant – Actor in Four Weddings and a Funeral.
• Andie MacDowell – Actress in Four Weddings and a Funeral.
• Sylvester Stallone – Actor in Rocky IV.
• Dudley Moore – Actor in 10.
• Steve McQueen – Actor in Le Mans, Bullitt. Not the modern director.
• Robert Towne – Screenwriter of Chinatown.
• Wallace Shawn – Actor in The Princess Bride.
• Tommy Lee Jones – Co-star of Men In Black.
• Missy Montana – An A-list movie star. Her breakout role was The Winter Storm. The former Louise Carol König, she is Thelma König’s big sister.
• George Carnard – Co-star of The Winter Storm. Known for his Nicolas Cage-style overacting.
• Robert Dietrich Black – A/K/A Robert Di Nero. Known as “Bobby” to his friends. One of Martin Lorenzo Griffith’s stars of Three Weddings and a Funeral. A little deranged.
• Eric Longbottom – B-list actor. Star of Rocket to Hell. Ever heard of this movie? No, we didn’t think so.
• Ace Dobbs – B-list actor. Star of Hands Up Or I’ll Shoot, Part II. Bet you didn’t see Part I either.
• Richard Hitchinson – A/K/A Hitch Richardson. An A-lister. “Richie” to his old friends. Fans call him “Handsome Hitch.” Nominated for an Oscar for his lead role in Today, Tomorrow, and Yesterday. He refuses to talk about his debut film, Cannibal Cavemen Meet the Texas Time Travelers. College roommate of Mark Tidemore.
• Oscar Zoroaster Phadrig Isaac Norman Henkle Emmannuel Ambroise Diggs Baum – A distant relative of L. Frank Baum.
• Rex Reed of The New York Observer.
• Steven Rea of The Philadelphia Inquirer.
• Gene Siskel of The Chicago Tribune.
• Kenneth Turan of The Los Angeles Times.
• Thomas Elgort of The Boston Standard.
• Abe Coulson of Chicago Herald-Standard.
• Tom Dinsdale of San Francisco Sexton.
• Peter Travers of The Village Voice.
• A.O. Scott of The New York Times.
• Arthur Knight, author of The Liveliest Art.
Alien from Outer Space
• El-Gor – A space invader from the planet C-3 in the third sector of the Sirius Galaxy. Lives inside of Claude Crackleton. Or maybe it’s just a voice Claude hears in his head due to advanced schizophrenia.
• Winston Gaylord Lockwood, author of How to Win at 5-Card Stud. A freelancer, he was hired to ghostwrite a book for Hilda and Helga Hoople.
• Martin J. Caruthers, author of A History of Caruthers Corners and Surrounding Environs. Descendant of Town Founder Jacob Caruthers.
• Thaddeus Elmer Wapner, author of Occult Practices Among Early Settlers of Indiana and Illinois.
• Simonton Poteet, author of Angels of the Lord and the Silver Hoard.
• Nelson Lawrence Chadwick, author of The History of the Indian Territory, 1800 – 1900.
• Captain Edward J. Ruppelt, author of The Report on Unidentified Flying Saucers.
• Baltimore Geographical Society, Study of Physical Deformities in Crackleton Crossing, Indiana.
• Lydia Maria Francis Child, author of The American Frugal Housewife, an 1832 cookbook with a recipe for a popular bean dish. In 1894 the son of Indianapolis canner Gilbert Van Camp added ketchup to invent pork and beans.
• Dr. Archimedes Claypool, author of Meteor Science and Celestial Observations, a college textbook.
• Gaston Laroux, author of Le Fantôme De L’opéra. Source of a 1925 silent film starring Lon Chaney and the 1986 operatic musical by Andrew Lloyd Webber.
• Arthur Conan Doyle, author of The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes.
• Helen Gurley Brown, author of Sex and the Single Girl.
• Maryjane Elizabeth Jones, author of The Phantom Cooks cozy mystery series.
• Booth Tarkington, author and two-time Pulitzer Prize-winner for The Magnificent Ambersons and Alice Adams.
• Theodore Dreiser, author of Sister Carrie.
• Kurt Vonnegut Jr., author of Slaughterhouse-Five.
• Dr. Ezra Pudhomme, author of Friedrich Bernhard Marby: Runic Gymnastics and Viking History for the Beginner.
• Ephram G. Squier and Edwin H. Davis, authors of Ancient Monuments of the Mississippi Valley, an 1848 survey by the Smithsonian Institution that offers a fairly complete guide to these earthworks.
• Thomas McKenney and James Hall, authors of History of the Indian Tribes of North America with Biographical Sketches and Anecdotes of the Principal Chiefs.
• Marie D. Webster, author of Quilts: Their Story and How to Make Them. Published in 1915, this was the first-ever American book about quilting.